Any of you who have read my posts before know that I am in a relationship with a man who has MD and it has become a long distance relationship because I am studying in Germany until July 2006. I am home for Christmas and will be flying back to Germany in 2 days.
During the summer, blokey went manic, went missing and then was found and sectioned for up to six months. Although this manicness (which was combined with excessive drinking) was frightening at times (to me) and embarrassing at others, there were also some great moments and we had a lot of fun together.
I also feel that this state was perhaps more real than the state in which blokey finds himself in now; dosed up on olanzapine, citalpram and depakote. He is sleeping a lot, is not motivated and is frightened of a lot of things: like how he will cope living on his own once he moves back to his flat, what he will do, and how he will make friends (he has been living in the area for less than 12 months). For someone who is so brilliant and intelligent, I find this new, quiet state frightening as well. I no longer need worry that he will get up in the middle of the night, get on a train somewhere, buy a tin of red paint then pour it down the drain, or that he will go missing for weeks, not tell anyone where he is, end up gettiing robbed and living on the streets because he is too afraid to go to the police, but I am now worried in other ways for him.
Sometimes now, trying to make conversation with him is like talking to a brick wall, or talking to someone who is in a bubble and who only hears part of what you are saying. He'll say that he needs "things to do", then I suggest getting involved in volunteer projects for the arts - there is a lot of this sort of thing going on, as Liverpool will be Capital of Culture in 2008(!), so that he can go out and meet people and not be kind of stuck in his flat all the time, with not enough to do. He is on DLA, he is writing a book - but that is not enough, I don't think, to keep one happy and healthy. It didn't work before - so how is it going to work now? He has no friends and no self esteem. He is being idealistic and wants the book to be published. But what if it isn't? You can't put all your eggs in one basket - that way lies disappointment.
At some point, I think blokey will stop taking his medication. I think he will start going back to pubs and I think he will end up back in hospital. I don't want to think this, but because he seems so reluctant to look into the whys and wherefores of what is going on, then maybe this will happen. I feel like I can't talk to him about it. The question "Why are you in hospital?" is answered by "because I was sectioned". There is a reluctance to look into this further. When he says "I need things to do" and then I gently start to suggest stuff, and yes, I know this can be too much when you are depressed, I've been there myself, then he'll pick up a newspaper and find a crossword, or change the subject, or say "it's really time I started getting back to the hospital".
He doesn't seem to want to come near me physically either, and I find this hard to deal with. I don't know if talking about this with him will be a good idea or not. Sometimes we sit in silence and I am afraid to speak - in case I say the wrong thing - something "triggering". But I don't know what the "triggers" are.
A lot of you here on the MDF boards seem to have a good understanding of your condition, and while it is never pleasant, you seem to know yourselves - what your capacities and limitations are. I don't feel that blokey has this. I don't feel that he wants to admit to MD or mental health problems (although he did mention he had it the first time I met him) because I don't feel he wants to appear weak. It would be good if he could kind get to the stage where he can talk to me about this stuff because at the moment, everything is very unstable, we can't communicate and we can't move forward.
In short, we are stuck. Any ideas anyone?