Kimmie (kimmiesol) wrote in bipolar_so,
Kimmie
kimmiesol
bipolar_so

Newbie here from Wisconsin...

I've been on LJ since 2002. I'm 40 years old (maybe the oldest one in this community?), and I've been married to my "soul mate" for almost 11 years.

My hubby and I are now going through a divorce, although we've been trying to salvage our marriage. He was the one who initiated everything. Suddenly, he told me that he has been feeling conflicted for years, and doesn't know what he wants. He loves me but perhaps not as much as he should. He wants to be off by himself. He wants to run away from everything. Then he'll change his mind, and think that everything is fine afterall. He has been depressed, really, really depressed from time to time.

Long story short, toward the end, before we split up, he had an affair. He says he was always looking for answers to his unhappiness; searching for things to make him stop hurting, and he was trying to escape...but nothing made him feel better, and he realized that what he was looking for elsewhere was always right in front of him. Me and our kids.

He finally went into counseling, and he has been diagnosed with bipolar. He is devastated by this diagnosis!! Whereas, I am happy to finally have some understanding of why he is the way he is!

Stumbling across this community has already helped me to understand some things. I am currently separated from hubby, but we were doing great, and then wham! He has slipped into an abyss again. Suddenly he doesn't know what he wants; he hates himself; he hates what he has done; he feels that he is "lost beyond help."

I pray that he gets on some medication that helps. I am having trouble coping with him. The more I try to be there for him, the more he wants to hide. He says he can't face me. Yet he loves me. I don't get it?!?!?

I realize that I can't fix him, but this is so hard. I guess knowing that others know how I feel helps.
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