He regressed to his angry child tantrum-throwing self, immobile with a bulldog grimace in his face and repeating that he was a genetic failure, that he was destined to suck and never accomplish anything. He basked with pleasure into an orgy of hatred and self-loathing just like the old days. He negligently forgot to refill his night meds and went two days without them. Tonight was the first night he's retaken it. He had another angry outburst yesterday as well.
He treats me like his punching bag, and then when I become angry in response he says I am belittling him! I react angrily now because whenever I have tried to be gentle and supportive all I have ever gotten is a snap or worse. I no longer have the desire to lay my neck out there so he can bite me because he feels the world is against him.
He does nothing that his therapist tells him: he never sits down to write his book, finding a thousand and one reasons not to do it, he doesn't employ whatever calming methods she has given him. He does nothing to fight thoughts of anger and self deprecation when they first appear, he makes no effort in the slightest and instead rolls around in them like a pig in a sty.
How bad is it that today I took an opportunity to help a classmate of mine with some project details, specially because that delayed my homecoming by at least an hour and granted me that extra hour of respite?
I enjoyed my drive up and down the highway without him, because I knew I would nor be assaulted by his aggressive mood changes and self-loathing and recriminations. For that stretch if road I fantasized I had a partner who loved me and showed me it by being tender, caring, loving, understanding and supportive, not an emotional black hole that ate away from my inside out. The way he used to bebefore this crisis hit a year ago and completely changed the man I have loved for five years, to such a dgree that I don't know if I'll ever see him again...